Parshas Ki Seitzei; Woman of the Knight
The very opening of our sedra sees us thrust into a story of intrigue, adventure, and romance. No, its not Eastenders (and definitely not Coronation Street), but the topic of the eishes yefas to’ar. What happens is like this. A soldier notices a pretty lady in the midst of (him) waging war, and decides that he wants to marry her; the problem being that she is not Jewish. So the Torah provides a special procedure whereby she is to have her hair shaved and her nails grown for thirty days, and then, if he still wants to marry her (she now looks considerably worse than when he first laid eyes on her), she goes through a conversion process[1] and they may marry. Several questions can be asked on this topic. Firstly, Rashi (21:11) explains the reason for this entire subject; HaShem knew that if He were to prohibit this lady to the soldier, he would just marry her anyway. So, rather than see His people commit such sins, HaShem permitted her to the soldier; provided that the prescribed procedure is carried out. Why is this desire for a soldier to marry a non-Jewish female POW so uncontrollable that we would go against HaShem’s prohibition?
Why is it more uncontrollable than any other similar lusts, such as forbidden relationships, or marrying other non-Jewish women, which remain forbidden?
And one can ask a deeper question; what does it mean that HaShem saw that people would ignore the prohibition and marry her anyway, and so He decided to permit her. If marrying this woman is intrinsically forbidden that means that marrying her is spiritually harmful. ‘How’ can HaShem permit something which should be spiritually harmful just because people would ignore the prohibition? These are the main questions we shall attempt to answer, which we shall do via a wonderful explanation of the Ohr HaChaim on this topic at the start of our sedra.
The Ohr HaChaim opens with some of his own questions. He notes that when someone does a mitzvah, they are imbued with a certain spiritual light. This is especially true of people who are sent somewhere to do a mitzvah (a shliach mitzvah); the gemarra[2] says that such people will not come to any harm (hence the custom to give a traveller money for tzedaka to deposit when they arrive). Indeed, the Ohr HaChaim says that the gemarra’s statement refers not only to protection from physical dangers, but also to spiritual dangers. A soldier is a shliach mitzvah; he is sent on behalf of klal yisrael to do a job for them, a mitzvah of defending the country. Thus, he should be imbued with a special spiritual focus during this time of war. So how come he ends up taking his eyes off the battlefield and being drawn after and swayed by the beauty of a non-Jewish captive; what happened to this spiritual focus? The Ohr HaChaim’s second question is really the question which opens up the topic. The Midrash learns from the (ostensibly) superfluous words in the pasuk (21:11) ‘and he desires her’ that even an ugly woman qualifies to be an eishes yefas to’ar. Why did the Torah limit the type of women referred to by writing that she is ‘of pretty complexion’ (21:11), only to then have a specific inclusion of ugly women too; let the Torah just write ‘a woman’ and then all women are included from the start? Rather, explains the Ohr HaChaim, the Torah wanted to place special emphasis on the fact that an ugly woman is also included in this section, for this is the key to understanding what the topic of an eishes yefas to’ar is all about. The following is the abridged version of the Ohr HaChaim’s explanation.
Sometimes, one can notice a certain spiritual quality in a person from merely looking at their face; they have a certain ‘light’ shining from their face. The classic example is Moshe Rabeinu, of whom the pasuk[3] reports that ‘the skin of his face shone.’ We often decide that a person is kind merely because ‘he looks kind; I can see it on his face’ – this is an application of the ‘spiritual radiance’ we are talking about. A convert also has a quality of this spiritual radiance; converts have special souls and can reach spiritual heights. For example, Ruth and Onkelus (as in the Targum) were both converts, as was Avraham ben Avraham, the famous 18th century convert who was murdered by the Christians for leaving his position as a Polish nobleman and becoming a pious Jew. Indeed, the Vilna Ga’on wrote that certain aspects of tumah were removed from the world in the merit of this great act of kiddush HaShem performed by Avraham ben Avraham.[4] It is this special spiritual radiance which plays a central role in our topic of a eishes yefas to’ar. The soldier looks at this female captive and notices this spiritual radiance emanating from her face; and he realises that she is of a certain spiritual quality, and is a potentially high-reaching convert. The soldier does not simple have a ‘crush’ on this woman because she looks nice; he is attracted to her because of the spiritual qualities he perceives in her. This explains why the Midrash/Torah go out of their way to make it known that an objectively (hideously) ugly woman qualifies to be an eishes yefas to’ar too; the Torah is stressing that the soldier’s attraction to her has nothing to do with her physical looks whatsoever – it is all about her spiritual qualities.[5] The Ohr HaChaim supports this with a superbly sensitive reading of the pasuk itself. The pasuk, in describing our bold soldier’s desire for this lady, says ‘and he desires in her’ (‘vechashakta vah’); it does not say that ‘he desires her,’ but rather that he desires that which is within her – namely the spiritual qualities that she possesses as part of her (internal) nature.
We may now understand why there is such a desire to marry this woman, more so than the desire to commit any other of the forbidden relationships, and even more so than the desire to marry any other non-Jew. The reason is that all those desires are physical desires, ones which can be overcome if one uses their mind as opposed to their bodily impulses. But the desire of an eishes yefas to’ar is a spiritual desire; it is a desire to forge a connection with someone purely because one thinks that this person has a spiritual quality. Since this desire is ultimately coming from a positive place (namely a yearning for spirituality), it is not easily overcome whatsoever. The Ohr HaChaim’s approach may also provide us with a solution to our main question: if marrying this eishes yefas to’ar is intrinsically negative, why should HaShem permit it just because people would marry her anyway? Perhaps the start of an answer is that since this drive to marry the woman is a positive one (it is based on spiritual yearnings), instead of needing to quash that drive, HaShem rather gave us the laws concerning an eishes yefas to’ar, and essentially is telling us to direct that spiritual drive via HaShem’s Laws (this answer needs developing fully; reader’s homework!)
The brief message I would like to put across from our discussion this week is the importance of realising right and wrong and distinguishing between them. There are two main challenges in life: a) working out right and wrong, and b) acting accordingly. Many times we fall at the first hurdle. Far too often do we (at best subconsciously) decide what we want to do, and then base our definitions of right and wrong around these desires, to allow us to think that we are correct in what we do. The gemarra[6] reveals a hugely fundamental principle which is highly relevant to this point. It says that ha’aramah is worse than meizid. In English, this means that someone who fools themselves into believing something is the right thing to do (deep down they know that this is not the case) is worse than someone who commits a wrongful act on purpose. At least the second person knows intellectually that the act is wrong; he just needs to bring his actions in sync with his mind. But the first person has decided that he has his own version of right and wrong, and has used this to allow him to do what he wants. Vetaher libeinu le’avdecha be’emes; let us have pure hearts to be able to realise right from wrong, and to have our priorities in order.
Have a great Shabbos!
[1] See gemarra Yevamos 47b-48a
[2] Gemarra P’sachim 8b
[3] Shemos 34:35
[4] See Rav Neventzal’s commentary on the Mishna Brura (‘Beyitzchak Yikarei’) on the very first siman in Shulchan Aruch for a practical application of this statement of the Vilna Ga’on vis-à-vis waiting before washing negel wasser first thing in the morning.
[5] See the Ohr HaChaim yourself for how he explains the continuation of the parsha, which delineates the process of making this woman ugly before our soldier makes the decision whether to marry her or not, in light of his explanation of the soldier’s attraction to her being a spiritual one.
[6] Gemarra Beitzah 17b
